Extinguishing Your Shame
What was the last thing that you felt really ashamed about? Not just guilty for doing something hurtful, but real shame, like there was something inherently wrong with you as a person. This can emerge when we get something wrong and being “right” is really important to our self-image, or when we think we need to look or act a very certain way and it feels like a moral failure that we don’t, or when we aren’t showing up as the friends or spouses or parents we really want to be.
For me, shame has always felt like being cornered. Imagine this: I’m being threatened by what feels like a real truth about myself, it’s bigger and more powerful than me, and it’s getting closer! I’m all alone, and I’ll do anything to get myself out of here, even if that means lashing out at someone close to me. Dr. Brenè Brown, one of the biggest experts and researchers on our experiences of shame, vulnerability, and courage, said, “Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment.” We feel all alone in that corner and we think we know exactly how the entire world is judging us.
However, Brenè finished that quote by saying, “Shame can't survive being spoken.” Shame relies on staying totally silent and internal, so its weakness is letting it out in the real light of day where it can be examined clearly.
What can breaking that silence look like? It feels so risky, but it can include naming that big fear that we’re worried might be the truth and sharing that with a trusted person. “I’m worried people think less of me if I’m not perfect.” “I feel so bad for having a meltdown about this work project.” “Something must be wrong with me if I look like this.” We are very often our worst enemies (and I mean, real arch-nemesis levels of enemy sometimes), and talking with someone who loves us and is not feeling completely cornered by the shame like we are may be able to give us a little bit of perspective. Having someone else there with us sorting through the story of shame can help us figure out fact from fiction.
As you speak about your shame more, you may be able to see themes coming up, either about the topics that make you feel ashamed or about where you might have been getting those messages from. Shame can take root from societal messages about who is and isn’t worthy of love and respect, from generational messages in our families about our emotions, bodies, or professions, and from negative personal experiences where “I did something wrong” became “I *am* something wrong.” Being aware of those themes can help you to develop more comfort confronting them with someone who loves you and internalizing a different perspective. Nowadays, I can say to myself, “Yeah, yeah, Shame, that’s the same old story you always tell when you back me into this corner. Don’t you have any new material?”
For more information on breaking the cycles of shame, you can read Brene’s Brown’s books about shame: The Gifts and I Thought It Was Just Me. You can also reach out to us at Pewter Therapy Services - we are in your corner and ready to face down this shame with you.